friends come to get me
but choose to wait in the car
you bore them to death

your bedroom looks like
a trash and clothing riot
its really gross dude

stains near the toilet
look suspiciously like poop
you’re doing it wrong

we hung out just once
your friends tried to get me drunk
cops brought you home, right?

i moved out last month
still have lots to blog about
that's how dumb you are

you slam the damn door
like it weighs a thousand pounds
jesus fucking christ

i remember your
seagrams mango wine coolers
your dad must be pissed

i let you borrow
my ratcheting screwdriver
where the hell is it?

i found you passed out
on the bathroom floor one time
at least you weren't nude

"cool man. keep in touch"
that's the last text you sent me
certainly hope not

my friend calls you matt
even though that’s not your name
speak up you sissy

when people ask me
what you do for a living
my mind just goes blank

the dinner table
is not a goddamn hamper
move your shitty clothes

you and your girlfriend
argue about calories
for fuck's sake, shut up

my dad likes this blog
he knows i acted like you
(when i was seven)

leave for days on end
and keep the heat on full blast
fuck you, mother earth

you buy stupid shit

like paper dinosaur cups

it boggles my mind

it’s icy outside
but you drove to the ACME
totaled your Sebring

if i got a dime
each time you ran the vacuum
i would have no dimes

replaced the TP
but put it on ass-backwards
every single time